I must admit I am not very good at expressing myself. That is one weakness I have. I have always had this difficulty in expressing my emotions. One can never really tell when I am happy or when I am sad, when I am depressed or when I have some irritating problems. I can look happy when I am sad and look sad when I am happy. I can say that I am not angry when I truly am and make one feel that I am not really mad..
Weird? Well, I have always thought this is a skill, strength on my part, a skill of hiding my true emotions. (tAlent ko.. heheh..) Feeling ko npkstrong when I can hide the anger, the hurt, the pain deep inside. Never did I foresee that it would only bring me so much burden in my heart. Everything was so caught up inside that I could cry for no reason at all.
Seems like a symptom of a nervous breakdown, or isn’t it? That’s what happened last night. I cried for some unknown reason, and I have never before felt so vulnerable in my life. What made it even worse was that I found nobody near to comfort or simply listen to me.
Maybe I have made myself a shield to keep others from seeing who and what I really am. All I was willing to show to everybody was that I am kalog and super kulit, that I am a happy-go-lucky girl who seems to have no problems in life and who doesn’t mind what she looks like. Nothing more, nothing less.
I have never even thought I could and would write an essay such as this…. Divulging my own true self. Maybe because I never really trusted anybody. And I stick in this motto “in my life, there are two people I trust – the first one is me and the other one is not you”. Sounds ironic- anyway I never really trusted myself. But well, writing this essay is a start, isn’t it? By way of writing I have started to open up myself, to smash that great shield I have used for so long. I will learn to trust myself and to trust others, too, I will… I will..
